Love making.... !! or ??

That's what it says,
on the entrance of Cafe Ritazza.
Waiting for a toasted sandwich,
I ponder,
is there any other emotion,
as driving as love making?
That which elates, heightens,
brings such a sudden surge.
The thoughts of which lingers on,
as the days pass by.
What makes love making,
so overpowering, all encompassing?
Some lives are so driven by him.
Yet others long to be with him.

You tell me S.
Is it the love making,
that brings us
together again and again,
or is it him,
that will break us apart?

In pursuit!!!

I have always tried my best to keep away from beliefs about the occult and the mystic for reasons of them being so anonymous and uncertain and i hate uncertainty. Its like a lioness hunting from a huge herd of deers, never know which ones going to be killed. But on the contrary i am the one who always propagates the idea of exploring the unseen territory. Someone once told me, look out for signs in your daily life, you will find the answers. All you need to do is just see those signs.

In the midst of all the things that are going on in my life, I had to meet S at this time. I really don't know why. There is enough going on but still this had to happen. He is a guy I would love to grow old with, but does he feel the same way. He has his life that he was living before he met me. How much of it am i going to like and not? I have a phobia to put the first foot forward, lest i be dejected or disappointed.

The real question now is should i wait for circumstances to lead my way or should i fight it to go the way i want. I don't know if i have the energy to.

I am trying my best to keep afloat at work.All the work i do, never seems to be enough. Trying my best to complete my studies. Trying my best to deal with my hearing loss. Trying my best to be there with friends. Trying my best to find an alternate career. Trying my best to get out of this place. Trying my best to find a life partner. Trying my best to now to understand S and give him a good impression.

As the warm days roll by, I wonder to myself, what is it that would truly inspire me. What will wake me up and make me do all that i have always dreamt of doing.

Spark! that's what is missing. I guess its just me!!!!

shaadi karo paise kamao!!!

Mockery.... yes that's what it is.

This is the first wedding i have experienced so up close and personal and it has been a one of its kind experience.
How we reduce an honest religious/social requirement into a completely blatant excuse to mock a thing like marriage.
I always believed marriage was about relationships, promises, party, fun but this experience has got me thinking in many ways, i never wanted to think.

How we have to deal with clashes in our value system especially in the Indian community. I enjoy the whole idea of an Indian wedding, the dressing up, the customs, the reunions, the organising and many other things, but at the same time I am gay and will NEVER be able to experience all this myself. How money starts to rule every action and becomes the criteria to judge an entire family. How people within the family can ruin an entire wedding just because he wants more attention. How we are slaves to this culture.

We always talk of improvement, growing up and changing for the better. But the things that i have seen and heard i the last 1 week only makes me feel we are walking backwards. On one side is this whole thing about upholding culture and sanding by centuries old tradition, which we so proudly and expertly have guarded for centuries affected by change only at a mega micro level, and on the other hand we are trying our best to to bring about change in ideology, in thinking and society
But where do we find the balance between these too. To change we have to break away. But to proudly guard we can't perhaps embrace change so easily.

In Tirupati, where millions of Pilgrims and the most orthodox of people visit mesmerised by the divine power, the lord is worshipped besides his two wives, yet another goddess who supposedly angered by the lords previous bigamous marital status has another temple away for herself out of vengeance is also worshipped. And yet we are so sceptical about bigamy and extramarital affairs. The Gods are at it dammit!!!
Isn't this proof enough of how we are struggling with our belief systems. Will we be able to embrace change so easily?
I am a trained amateur Indian classical dancer. I am taught to portray celestial and mythical love stories among gods and goddesses, but I am gay. Will i be able to portray gay references from the holy books? Will the audience accept it as ye another dance performance? Will the same old Mamis and mamas witness this performance?

We spend our lives trying to deal with things that are not going to benefit, improve and help us in any way, just because of the SOCIETY we live in. Won't this world be a much better place if we spent that energy in something more constructive, Personal development and the like?

Like I told A, one of the main reasons i left this place is to get away from all of this and just concentrate on ME and just be ME.

V day Vignettes

Red roses everywhere,

Gaudy flowers in a shape of a huge heart in our hotel lobby,

Love struck teenage school children hiding fron their parents meeting their crushes to exchange gifts,

Long queues at the florists,

Young couple (all dressed up) talking to another couple asking them to take the best taable at a restaurant,

Man in red shirt with red roses at the red traffic signal waiting for his lady love,

Young Indian couple, she probably wearing hih heels after a long time or for the first time, hair loose, Garden vareli saree, He just back from officem picked her up on his way, She clinging onto him, limping in her heels, He just happy,

Old Mallu couple, Nice starched off white saree, on their way, Romantic dinner?

Traffic jam apparently caused by valentines day,

A german farmer family in a Dubai bus in blazers and ties just out of the fancy Cruise at the port, bus full of labourers staring,

Valentines day cake at Cafe Qasr. Was finished when we reached.

Two well dressed young men, waiting for their dates ? or were each other's dates?

Lonely white man frissing on a lonely pizza.

'A' still confused. Doesn't know if he wants me or doesn't want me!!!!

B & S my sweetheart buddys.

Strange World

The last few weeks have been a strange experience.

After having me for 3 years suddenly my bosses realised i could not hear too well, which in fact is true, but i have always tried not to let it affect the quality of my work. Guess it was still not good enough. NowI am indirectly being asked to pack my bags and leave. What happened to those countless extra hours i worked without asking for compensation. What happened to all the projects i have done for the restaurant. what happened to every aspect of the restaurant i have so truly bothered about. What happened to the training i had to do for my assistant managers and supervisors who did not know their job too well. Wonder what really matters to stay popular in a profession. Is sweet talking the only way up?

In the middle of all this my staff tells me that our new south african assisstant manager who has been double promoted for her blond looks, tweety voice and i don't know what else, is actually pocketing a fair amount of cash meant to be shared by the staff at the end of the month!!!! Beat that. A blond south african lady thief.
Strange world is an understatement!!!!!!

My long long last friend from pre-school days. sent me her wedding pics. I was shocked to see how much she has grown to be this lovely adorable woman. We used to play games after school in the colony. Climb trees together. Jump over other people's compounds. Well. Well.

My Brother has finally decided to get married!!! After 4 yrs of courtship. I strange couple they make. Full of fancy, fanatical and flungigulous ideas like worms in their heads. He is making a docu for a Japanese television company. Wonder where their lives are taking them. Hope i can make it to the wedding. Will be the only wedding in our family. Unless i find a enterprising soul mate willing radically stun(Shock) the great Indian middle class brahminical society by staging a wedding between 2 men!!!!!


I was offered a job offer at my first ever interview. Crap offer though. Was completely shocked. It seemed so easy.

S came up with this brilliant idea to market handicrafts from around the world in a shop that we can set up. Not a bad idea. I came up with the idea to market paper bags in polythene infested Dubai.

This and much more.

My head is circling. Thanks to B & S i am still sane.

But i am positive.
Positive for a bright new change.
Positive that the corner i need to go round is very close.

Attchments

Attachments are what I always dreaded and it is that which i always crave for. Everytime i have felt close to somebody romantically, I have lost them, invariably. As though it is life's way of saying, ' dude, this one's not for u, Chalo bhai!!! NEXT !!!'

Those reading this might probably know whom i am refering to. F gave us all a rude shock. It was like bungee jumping above a lake full of hungry crocodiles. I never knew if i was falling off or going back up only to know i am plunging back downwards.

This city of dreams as it beckons, lures, binds, builds and breaks, life moves on. Our torn hearts are stiched back. Dream on.

This ones past.

Who is next?????????

Rattlesnake

Away we went..
a hang out of the days long before
of freshly formed friendships.
now relationships matured and aged..
been thru lot of vengences and contempt..
nevertheless here we were
to the place yet again
all was the same
but nothing felt the same
the pink table cloth and the red lantern
disco lights and a dubai tavern
c says follow ur passion..
oh, how many times have i heard this..
if everybody in this world followed their passions..
what would have the world been like?
circumstances....
am i to blame?
on the other side as i watch
lines of chinese hookers waiting for their
days business patrons...
felt like a china town market..
only it was a tavern in an arabic desert
where it was raining.. old men as patrons
were they following their passion
did they have passions?
............................
could we all follow our passions?
what would the world be like then?

...........

Read N and R tribute to Adolf. Very touching. I cannot imagine how deeply the loss is felt.


Was having lunch with my chinese colleague. I offered to share with him one of the bolied eggs i brought with me, which i boiled in my room, kettle. He said,'Oh! you cook too in the room?' I said,"No just boiling water and eggs. To which he said, boiling is one of the most original and first forms of cookery man invented. So I apparently cook.


Saw Yunh Hota to Kya Hota, Dor and Bas Ek Pal. Were nice.


Poo is back after the wedding. I still can't believe she is married.

Teeth Bring Wisdom???

It was the wisdom tooth. As though my body knew how to congratulate me or rather remind me that I was turning an year older, out came the wisdom tooth. I hope the last one. Those who have gone through it might realsie how painful it could be. Some could not understand, yet others were surprised I was "so young".
Nevertheless, it was on my 26th birthday 2 weeks back that I got my wisdom tooth. Had a gathering of my close friends, some i met only a few months back, yet have become best of buddies. Nice to know life could bring such joys too. A party I had after almost 5 years. Was waiting for a time I had friends to care for. And here they were. Made my day!! Was happy after a long time. Thanx to A. Arrived the first to keep me company. To the lovely ever enthusiastic Punj Mallu and the traditional cake smearing ritual. Thanx to The Jaya-Amithabh couple(Amithabh turned up sooooo late) and aunty. Ross brought his GF along. Met her for the first time. R and his usual jokes and a roar of a laughter.And of course S and P had to be there. They have been by me all through these 3 years. Through thick and thin, which I very often go through. And dear C,D& T, they were there for me at work always. S & B did make their absence very obvious. Wait until both are back!!

Thanx guys.
No thanx to you, 'wisdom tooth'. You are still painful!!!

And so after my 26th, I start to think, where does the road lead. Do I just follow the way or do something different. My urge is to break free and go totally against the flow. I wouldn't mind even working in Timbuctoo or in the far east.
Like how I notice very often at work, a dotting Russian mother gets impatient with every childish tantrum her child throws, while she is so preoccupied with her Shringar and Vasthra/Abhushan, that after sometime she just snaps and just the one firm look shuts the little kid for the next half hour.
Am I also getting impatient with my life? or just plain exhausted?
J said I am just wasting my time in that restaurant. C always talks of work as though it were a basket full of mangoes that we carry on our head, and just waiting to unload or pass on. I never saw work as a headache. I always enjoyed this job, since I began. But I know this is not for me. I don't see myself doing this for the rest of my life.
The wisdom tooth surely arrived with much fanfare, painfare rather.
But waiting for the light to dawn!!!

He, of my dreams.

Supressing my feelings,
I welcome him,
To feel "He is mine",
Is like a bitter dream,
A dream after coming out of which,
You realise, that it is not true.
How many things in life are not true.
The Hope and Aspirations,
Can they be dreamt and yet be true.
He is mine yet he is not.

Outside i see the sun set,
Yet again, the flaming ball of fire,
bids farewell,
Taking with it all my dreams,
But it will rise again, I know,
The Sun rises tomorrow.
As Sri writes,
With a new day, of a new week,
I still have those dreams,
Maybe not of him.
Cause his is a dream,
That will always remain a dream.
But I still wait, when the sun would leave my dreams
with the stars of the night sky,
and i will have them forever to live and dream.

Racism!!

I am an Indian expat working in a 5 star hotel in Dubai. After having come to Dubai, I have had so many experiances with people from different cultures that I feel so enriched. But not all of them have been enriching. I would like to particularly narrate one such experiance.

I went to one of the many beaches in the Jumeriah locality yesterday with a German colleague of mine. We went after work in the morning just to relax. Since she had earlier planned for this trip, she was well equipped with her beach gear. I was just out of work, so just decided to roll up my trousers and remove my shirt to relax on the beach. Few minutes of chatting on the empty and tranquill beach later, a particular gentleman comes by and gets chatting with us. He seemed strange so we decided to ignore. Promptly he flashed his Dubai Police ID. Now I know the police here are quite efficient, but this was quite a surprise. I immediatly asked to see our IDs. My friend had hers while i brought mine from the car in the parking lot. On seeing my card which was exactly the same looking as my friend's ( of course we work for the same company), he asked where i am from, I said India. Then he asked for another ID of mine. I said this is what we have. To which he said that never mind her, i want to see urs. I obliged and showed my health card. Suddenly he told me, that i need to dress more appropriatly in this locality, BECAUSE the British, canadian or europeans come here in shorts and they would look at me in a strange way. This left me shocked. Is a representative from the Dubai police suggesting to me that i have to dress in a certain way on a public beach that does not mention any dress code according to what the europeans that frequent the area do. I am aghast. I understand i was not in the most ideal beach gear. But thats my problem and not the people coming to the beach. This sort of comment was least expected from a Policeman.
I am a part of a large group of expatriate asians who come to Dubai for a better lifestlye and and promising career, just like my european brothers and sisters. Why is it that incidents like these never fail to convey to us asians that we are not welcome here in this so called melting pot of cultures? This goes to everywhere, Swanky restaurants, Nightclubs, Health clubs...
Have no words to express my outrage.

Am I the Black Hole

Life's precious turns,
Rapidly turning,
Spirals and Twists,
Sometimes I know not whats round the bend,
But mystery is what makes it exiting,
How it is to live in this vagueness,
I void I cannot fathom,
Like a black hole,
My life and I take in whatever comes by us,
Pains of planning not withstanding,
Why do we get used to lifestyles and expectations?
Expectations leading to frustrations.
Feelingless and numb.

What the future beholds!!!!!

Interior design Career? Immigration? Relationship? Happiness? Satisfaction?
Treasured Friendships? Forgotten Promises? Expected Betrayals? Lost Friends?
Childhood Friends? Success? Hope? Desire? Inspiration? Motivation? Love? Fantasy?
Laughter? Independance?

What??? Should I know? Do I know?

Fascination

I always wondered where do we draw the line between the ancient/traditional and the now contemporary. Weren't the things that we consider ancient now, contemporary or modern at some point of time. I am talking specifically about architecture and interior design. Very often we see this new concept of fusion. Its not completely ancient and not completely modern. supposed to make the old, cool. But who decides what is the most appealing. Sometimes, pure aunthenticity is not interesting to many, so some manipulate it to pouplar liking, and that itself becomes something authentic. I think there should be no label. Design should be purely based on appealing to the senses, at that very point of time. The idea of exotica is also a very learnt one. We are taught to percieve certain views and experiances as exotic. One particular website said distillation of modern and traditional styles. A design has to be free to be judged by the eyes of the beholder. A design should be created with no biases in mind, by pure inspiration and pure fascination. Does some design exist like that? Can we be not tied down by taught beliefs? Live with pure fascination???

Love!!!!!!!!!!

Should one look for love in one's life or is it ok to wait for it. I was recently chatting with a friend and he was asking me if i liked a certain guy in a certain party. I said 'not my type' , to which he said, 'one cannot expect to meet Brad Pitt'. This was a tight slap on my face. My cheeks are actually red. Are my expectations too high. I wonder how long time couples fell in love. What attracted them to each other. Sometimes i see couples, where one of them is more popular and good looking, could have of course had a better selction of guys to choose from. But settled in for this person. What brought them together? Where they making some kind of a compromise or was it a conscious choice? Should i just get into a relationship just because it is getting to late for me or should i wait? I don't know. In this world love is easy to look at from a distance, but difficult to experiance. Love is free, is it?

Lows of life!!!!

There are some moments in life when you feel like you have reached a desert with no Oasis. Yes. Desert. Dry, Hot, Seamless and massive as though beckoning towards its boundless extremes. But the truth is that one cannot see the hidden mysteries. All one sees is the stark reality of the desert. Hot and dry. I have reached the edges of a massive desert, I think, or is it an illusion? May be a reverse mirage. Probably just a 'mis' perception. I have to get across this screen. Unravel the mysteries that lay beyond. All sounds like the syereotypical explorer of the colonialist era fascinated by the orient.

In the 'now' world, this is just one of the lows!!!!!

Its tiring to climb down hill. Wheres the next hill? I want to climb!!!

Pride

Pride, Money, Arrogance, Rich, Attitude, Respect, Gratitude, PRIDE......

Gratitude

I was just wondering in this world of fast track success and high speed achievements, what role does gratitude play. Life in the previous generation revolved around gratitude. Everyone was thankful to everyone else for the situation they were in. Where is the line between giving yourself credit for ur success and giving others the credit for ur success. How much should one be thankful, until When? Is it a matter of chance that we are in the situation that we now are? Or probably there are some others who are responsible for our position. Does that make us forever indebted to them?

Ultimately it is the question of bonding!!!!!
Do you feel a part of them or do you feel you are an independent entity, a miracle, not subject to any circumstances, destined to be in this current positio,no matter what the circumstances!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right here right now.

I saw this movie Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Honestly speaking i cried at some points in the movie. But those tears were of a lonely gay man wanting to experiance the same passion. But as a movie i thought it was over the top. Though the message was slightly different from the other movies. It was still conservative in more ways than one. The protagonists were still made to look like they did a big mistake. That i realised majorly in one scene when rishi goes to meet maaya after 3 years to invite her for his wedding. And she cries on hearing it. It is so obvious that she wanted him to say he wants her back. Also the messages one gets are totally mixed up. One doesnot know exactly what he is trying to say. The usual little takes on homosexuality in KJ's movies are so passe. Like when Dev stops a guy on the street and asks if he was married. The guy says why should he? He's Gay!!!!!!! Now what was that? Aren't gays married? What is he trying to say? Also the colors are so on the face. I accept Manish malhotra loves embellishment. That does not mean oody dr