timepass

I just finished reading the collection of memoirs of Protima Bedi. So many times while reading the book i have felt just like she felt in her life. Her feeling miserable after being a victim of child abuse. Her unrequitted love for Kabir inspite of her and his flings. Her dying need to be on her own and not to be tied down, yet at the same time looking for the security of a caring indvidual who would give anything to care for her.
Somtimes i have said the same things that she has said in the course of her early life.
Where is my calling? What will bring me happiness? Where will i eventually be? Where is this life going to take me? Should i fight to achieve or follow the path unfolding in front of me?
Show me the light oh Lord!!!!
I don't want thislife tobe just a Timepass!!!

here we are

Here we are,
after a night of dreams and desires,
memories of the night so few,
after the semillons and sirloins,
not knowing the first from the second,
Strings of endless conversations foreby,

Now,
endless rows of date palms on Al Wasl road,
crushed dates and riped dates crying,
longing to be plucked,
on the morning of a hot summer day,
in the month of june,
under the sun now shining,
mighty, conquering, burning,
the beholder of the skies,

Could i be the date?
seem like a date on the date, the night before,
ripe, crushed, longing to be plucked.

Oh! how I miss the moon serene,
of the night gone by,
of the dreams and desires,

here we are.....

the best coming out experiance ever

i had a treasure in my own house but i never knew it existed. We took her for granted all our lives but she has given me back my life . I live again. This is a new birth for me. I came out to my mother and she has accpeted and reacted in the most beautiful way that i ever could have imagined.
Though i had half expected that she would not eact violently, i wasn't sure. But now i am truely shocked that she set me free.
Everyone who came to know said wow!!!!!!!!!
you have a very understanding and mature and intelligent mother.
Wow ma am proud of you. If only you could hear all the things that they say.

I feel elevated. free and light ready to fly.

I am out finally!!!!!!!!!!!

holding up

Ask in faith the email said. But faith in what. I have never been brought up with strict religious beliefs, which gives me freedom to choose and believe in what i want. i can analyse. But sometimes when i see people who have been conditioned into one particular religious faith, i feel jealous. Jealous because it isn't so easy for me. They seem to know exactly what they should do. Even if they were doing it blindly. They have something to believe in. but me , i am like a vagabond. not knowing where i belong. i want to be involved in some faith. want to ask in faith!!!!

yet another pothole

This pothole in my life was really bad. Have felt this bad after a long long time. Not a really good feeling. Its really awkward to get physically involved with someone whom you have worked with for sometime and know quite a bit, and have never imagined in your wildest dreams to be physically involved with. He says it happened... just happened... Not deep feelings or any of that. But then why all those mushy words and those conversations? Well.. to be honest i knew from day 1 that it wasn't true. But after holding your guard for 25 yrs and something like this happens, u feel and long and yearn to let your guard loose. And tas what i did.
I knew i wouldn't find the boat to jump on to. I would have to keep afloat hoping uselessly.
And today was judgment day.
Had to arrive.
Spoke... bared my soul... few tears of course... bad feeling
But i know have to move on. Life's thorns!!!!

Now i rather bother about my career......

light at the end of the tunnel

what when you don't want to see the light,
what when you don't know when you see the light,
what when theres no light, may be its the wrng tunnel,
why a tunnel at all? Why not ALL light?
Why do we go through bad patches?
what when you don't know where to turn,which direction to take?
is there light at the end of the tunnel?
why a tunnel at all? Why not ALL light

changing lives.

Scorpio: (24 October-22 November)Welcome to your new Home! Whether youre moving physically or not, this week marks the nesting, rooting, repotting and replanting of your good Scorpio selves into a life that suits you more. I don't care how you do, did or are doing it ?just make sure this week marks a new beginning of inner comfort. If you don't have solid foundations now, you're going to have to go back and repeat it all later, which only further delays the professional peaks you're looking to scale up ahead. A new feeling of family develops, and you'll see this week how much you're being nurtured. The more you believe and care for your own sweet ass, the more others will kiss it and otherwise carry it. Don't cry over spilt milk ?it's half and half their fault and yours. To feel whole, skim away guilt and negativity ?this week is your new green light to be out-and-out proud to be your own person, going your own sweet way.
New Moon Ideas: Paint, stock your cupboards, eat in, cook for someone, buy a new bed, move out / in, redefine your rules and toast the past then don't turn back.
I feel an urge to do something new. I wanna go and explore. I want new experiances. He said " You are still young, you have a lot of time" Suddenly that makes me feel that i could do so many things. Am still looking to anchor somewhere!!!!

wisdom tooth, illicit relationships, tips at work.

my wisdom tooth is growing perpendicular to the rest of my teeth, starting from behind my mouth and growing right through my upper jaw and coming out in front. Bizarre!!!Have to get it extracted. What a way to loose my wisdom. I hope something else would show me the light and wisdom. May be my receding hairline.

How does it feel to be a mistress? Physically satisfyng someone who cares for you not beyond the edges of your bed. Even not after reaching an orgasm. Some people thrive in such situations. They love the physical attention, almost like thats the only they know. While others are too proud to play second fiddle. How is it to be a mistress?

relationships

I have met many girls and guys who change boy friends like clothes so often. But have often wonderd what are the emotions they are going through. What is it that drives them through relatonships. What do they feel.... The yseem to be so dedicated to every relationship they are in, yet the transition form one to another when the former doesnt for some reason work out is remarkably smooth. Do you get into another relationship, to fill the void from the former , by doing the same things you did before or you start completly afresh? I don't think i will ever understand it, cause i have never been in a relationship, Maybe i should fall in love. The problem is the one i fall in love with always hapens to be straight!!!! well...well...

serpentine dreams

Have you ever wondered what dream might mean. I have always so many times woken up from a night mare. Many times i get up just as i am being eaten up or bitten by a snake.... Yes, Sankes, I don't know why, i have always had dream of sankes either chasing me or i am running away from a snake. Lat night i saw a python like snake. Huge one, staring at me.
Have also dreamt of flying. I suddenly lift off fro the ground and start flying. its the most amzing experiance. I see things from an ariel view of places i have never seen from top. I don't know how i can imagine how the place might look like from top......

orange party

I walked in and it was dingy.. It was a birthday party... An orange bean bag, an orange bottle cap, an orange cushion, an orange paper peeping out of a glass cupboard, an orange fritter, an orange bottle cap and my orange belt. Intoxicated highs.... Drunken conversations.... Philosophy or so i presume.. Wine highs... Vodka highs... Rum highs.. and sexual highs... high too high spilling over all out into the wash basin.. sunglasses in a dark room.. darkness is all she wanted to go back to.... Darkness is all she saw... Pissed minds and insulting conversations.... the fighters fighting it and the others passing out... Give me the definition of fun..

dreams come true

ever wondered about getting the things that you wanted by you not putting any efforts to get it. looking back i alway think of the things that i achieved or got, which i had previously wanted. it makes mefeel iambeing watched. someones reading my thoughts. had gone to the IKEA store today to get something for the restaurant , along with a friend who bought stuff for herself, and i found myself as usual wishing to buy so many new things. guess whathappened. at the exit there was a guy from the local radio station doing a live on air show . he asked me a question and though i couldn't answer gave me a gift voucher for 100 and i went back and bought the things i wanted , for free. its happened to me a lot of times.
Do i feel grateful or obliged???
can i wish or dream for more???
will my dreams come true???

......................

hope despair strength fortune struggle confidence creativity loneliness relationship pride honesty travel love friendship lifestyle independance
DANCE..............................

Happy Birthday!!!!

Hey its my birthday today. Do you need to feel special or what. Was still at work when the clock struck 12. Everyone was running around in the restaurant. We were busy as usual. Led me to think, whats so special. Was born 25 years back on this day. SO... Am i to feel special on this day? Has started off as just another day. Hope there's more in store in life for me. I hope i can live up to my own expectations of me.

sell your confidence

We had a staff briefing today,as we have everyday before the restaurant opens. While we were being told by our manager about being organised while serving guests, she mentioned about some of the pointers that i had made after i joined back work. I had told her that some staff jsut get confused and start to run around in circles. Then she said we must show our guests that we are organised and confident."Sell Confidence", she said. At that moment i that it was so profound. What a wonderful thing to say. Never thought of it. "Sell Confidence"...........

Dhan theras,bomb blasts,fasting and celebration

I am going to buy gold tomorrow. My first ever gold possession. hahaha!!! Just caught my fancy to buy gold on dhan theras, tomorrow, a day before diwali. While some die in a bomblast, others fast for ramadan, some recovering from an earthquake, while an american weather forecaster blaming the japanese to have artificially triggered Wilma and Katrina and while Syrians being blamed for lebanon's woes, I am buying gold. hhmm....

fly me out my dream bird(man)...

Wanna get out of the desert, to greener pastures. Waiting for my prince charming, oops.. ah...my gaurdian bird, to fly me out of the desert. Or i have to grow my own wings. I think its better that way. I'll be my own prince charming........

relationships.

I finished reading 'mistress' by anita nair. I like the way she writes, maybe because i am most comfortable with contemporary indian authors. Not all of course.
After reading that, which so deeply revolves around relationships in a supposedly conservative kerala household. All the extra marital affairs that are given birth in their circles. Of course its fiction, but am wondering about this thing , marriage.
How people are foced to live with people they don't like just for the sake of their horroscopes matching or their parents thinking that the partner is 'perfect', or WORST of all because he/she is of a marriageable age!!!! "Its societies requirements, those who don;t comply are not normal", said a very close family friend, who i thought, being in her thirties, would be understanding. It is only such attititude that spurs extra marital affairs, etc... The most conservative households have the most bizzare deviators.
But who defines normal and ubnormal. Why should one be forced to live in a certain way. Doesn't the indian society pride itself of being progressive and flexible from time immemorial? We have suddnely become so rigid. Desperate to retain our "Culture". I think our culture is to be unique. How much ever we 'mordenise', we'll still be unique. So why not move on.
Why can't people accept a girl in her late 20's enjoying her life, her independance, her career. Whats the necessity for her parents to feel guilty for not getting her married. If she finds someone she feels comfortable with, she'll marry, big deal. Who knows that she'll be happier if she gets married NOW.
The same family friend said, people talk things and gossip. SO WHAT!!!!!!
I talk about other people, SO............................

Can't we be free to make a choice for ourselves?

the green desert.

Am still soaking into the city , since i am back. Getting wet, and obviously bored. HAve to catch up on my assignments. Its been a while.

I suddenly realised that i am constantly smelling the scents around me, for no particular reason. I don't know if other people do it too, But i seem to be doing it all the time. And am constantly making mental notes about the smells. Like when i came back to dubai, i am constantly smelling and reminding myself unconsciously, this is how it used to be, or something like that. Pretty much like what i do when i listen to music , any kind, i am always choreographing steps for it in my mind, or at least dancing in my mind.
Does any one else do it??

indian consulate

went to the indian consulate for the first time ever. HAve to go back tomorow in the morning at 8. Cant wait to see how things work inside. Not allowed to use cellphones inside the consulate!! Never knew that.