Attchments

Attachments are what I always dreaded and it is that which i always crave for. Everytime i have felt close to somebody romantically, I have lost them, invariably. As though it is life's way of saying, ' dude, this one's not for u, Chalo bhai!!! NEXT !!!'

Those reading this might probably know whom i am refering to. F gave us all a rude shock. It was like bungee jumping above a lake full of hungry crocodiles. I never knew if i was falling off or going back up only to know i am plunging back downwards.

This city of dreams as it beckons, lures, binds, builds and breaks, life moves on. Our torn hearts are stiched back. Dream on.

This ones past.

Who is next?????????

Rattlesnake

Away we went..
a hang out of the days long before
of freshly formed friendships.
now relationships matured and aged..
been thru lot of vengences and contempt..
nevertheless here we were
to the place yet again
all was the same
but nothing felt the same
the pink table cloth and the red lantern
disco lights and a dubai tavern
c says follow ur passion..
oh, how many times have i heard this..
if everybody in this world followed their passions..
what would have the world been like?
circumstances....
am i to blame?
on the other side as i watch
lines of chinese hookers waiting for their
days business patrons...
felt like a china town market..
only it was a tavern in an arabic desert
where it was raining.. old men as patrons
were they following their passion
did they have passions?
............................
could we all follow our passions?
what would the world be like then?

...........

Read N and R tribute to Adolf. Very touching. I cannot imagine how deeply the loss is felt.


Was having lunch with my chinese colleague. I offered to share with him one of the bolied eggs i brought with me, which i boiled in my room, kettle. He said,'Oh! you cook too in the room?' I said,"No just boiling water and eggs. To which he said, boiling is one of the most original and first forms of cookery man invented. So I apparently cook.


Saw Yunh Hota to Kya Hota, Dor and Bas Ek Pal. Were nice.


Poo is back after the wedding. I still can't believe she is married.

Teeth Bring Wisdom???

It was the wisdom tooth. As though my body knew how to congratulate me or rather remind me that I was turning an year older, out came the wisdom tooth. I hope the last one. Those who have gone through it might realsie how painful it could be. Some could not understand, yet others were surprised I was "so young".
Nevertheless, it was on my 26th birthday 2 weeks back that I got my wisdom tooth. Had a gathering of my close friends, some i met only a few months back, yet have become best of buddies. Nice to know life could bring such joys too. A party I had after almost 5 years. Was waiting for a time I had friends to care for. And here they were. Made my day!! Was happy after a long time. Thanx to A. Arrived the first to keep me company. To the lovely ever enthusiastic Punj Mallu and the traditional cake smearing ritual. Thanx to The Jaya-Amithabh couple(Amithabh turned up sooooo late) and aunty. Ross brought his GF along. Met her for the first time. R and his usual jokes and a roar of a laughter.And of course S and P had to be there. They have been by me all through these 3 years. Through thick and thin, which I very often go through. And dear C,D& T, they were there for me at work always. S & B did make their absence very obvious. Wait until both are back!!

Thanx guys.
No thanx to you, 'wisdom tooth'. You are still painful!!!

And so after my 26th, I start to think, where does the road lead. Do I just follow the way or do something different. My urge is to break free and go totally against the flow. I wouldn't mind even working in Timbuctoo or in the far east.
Like how I notice very often at work, a dotting Russian mother gets impatient with every childish tantrum her child throws, while she is so preoccupied with her Shringar and Vasthra/Abhushan, that after sometime she just snaps and just the one firm look shuts the little kid for the next half hour.
Am I also getting impatient with my life? or just plain exhausted?
J said I am just wasting my time in that restaurant. C always talks of work as though it were a basket full of mangoes that we carry on our head, and just waiting to unload or pass on. I never saw work as a headache. I always enjoyed this job, since I began. But I know this is not for me. I don't see myself doing this for the rest of my life.
The wisdom tooth surely arrived with much fanfare, painfare rather.
But waiting for the light to dawn!!!

He, of my dreams.

Supressing my feelings,
I welcome him,
To feel "He is mine",
Is like a bitter dream,
A dream after coming out of which,
You realise, that it is not true.
How many things in life are not true.
The Hope and Aspirations,
Can they be dreamt and yet be true.
He is mine yet he is not.

Outside i see the sun set,
Yet again, the flaming ball of fire,
bids farewell,
Taking with it all my dreams,
But it will rise again, I know,
The Sun rises tomorrow.
As Sri writes,
With a new day, of a new week,
I still have those dreams,
Maybe not of him.
Cause his is a dream,
That will always remain a dream.
But I still wait, when the sun would leave my dreams
with the stars of the night sky,
and i will have them forever to live and dream.

Racism!!

I am an Indian expat working in a 5 star hotel in Dubai. After having come to Dubai, I have had so many experiances with people from different cultures that I feel so enriched. But not all of them have been enriching. I would like to particularly narrate one such experiance.

I went to one of the many beaches in the Jumeriah locality yesterday with a German colleague of mine. We went after work in the morning just to relax. Since she had earlier planned for this trip, she was well equipped with her beach gear. I was just out of work, so just decided to roll up my trousers and remove my shirt to relax on the beach. Few minutes of chatting on the empty and tranquill beach later, a particular gentleman comes by and gets chatting with us. He seemed strange so we decided to ignore. Promptly he flashed his Dubai Police ID. Now I know the police here are quite efficient, but this was quite a surprise. I immediatly asked to see our IDs. My friend had hers while i brought mine from the car in the parking lot. On seeing my card which was exactly the same looking as my friend's ( of course we work for the same company), he asked where i am from, I said India. Then he asked for another ID of mine. I said this is what we have. To which he said that never mind her, i want to see urs. I obliged and showed my health card. Suddenly he told me, that i need to dress more appropriatly in this locality, BECAUSE the British, canadian or europeans come here in shorts and they would look at me in a strange way. This left me shocked. Is a representative from the Dubai police suggesting to me that i have to dress in a certain way on a public beach that does not mention any dress code according to what the europeans that frequent the area do. I am aghast. I understand i was not in the most ideal beach gear. But thats my problem and not the people coming to the beach. This sort of comment was least expected from a Policeman.
I am a part of a large group of expatriate asians who come to Dubai for a better lifestlye and and promising career, just like my european brothers and sisters. Why is it that incidents like these never fail to convey to us asians that we are not welcome here in this so called melting pot of cultures? This goes to everywhere, Swanky restaurants, Nightclubs, Health clubs...
Have no words to express my outrage.

Am I the Black Hole

Life's precious turns,
Rapidly turning,
Spirals and Twists,
Sometimes I know not whats round the bend,
But mystery is what makes it exiting,
How it is to live in this vagueness,
I void I cannot fathom,
Like a black hole,
My life and I take in whatever comes by us,
Pains of planning not withstanding,
Why do we get used to lifestyles and expectations?
Expectations leading to frustrations.
Feelingless and numb.

What the future beholds!!!!!

Interior design Career? Immigration? Relationship? Happiness? Satisfaction?
Treasured Friendships? Forgotten Promises? Expected Betrayals? Lost Friends?
Childhood Friends? Success? Hope? Desire? Inspiration? Motivation? Love? Fantasy?
Laughter? Independance?

What??? Should I know? Do I know?

Fascination

I always wondered where do we draw the line between the ancient/traditional and the now contemporary. Weren't the things that we consider ancient now, contemporary or modern at some point of time. I am talking specifically about architecture and interior design. Very often we see this new concept of fusion. Its not completely ancient and not completely modern. supposed to make the old, cool. But who decides what is the most appealing. Sometimes, pure aunthenticity is not interesting to many, so some manipulate it to pouplar liking, and that itself becomes something authentic. I think there should be no label. Design should be purely based on appealing to the senses, at that very point of time. The idea of exotica is also a very learnt one. We are taught to percieve certain views and experiances as exotic. One particular website said distillation of modern and traditional styles. A design has to be free to be judged by the eyes of the beholder. A design should be created with no biases in mind, by pure inspiration and pure fascination. Does some design exist like that? Can we be not tied down by taught beliefs? Live with pure fascination???

Love!!!!!!!!!!

Should one look for love in one's life or is it ok to wait for it. I was recently chatting with a friend and he was asking me if i liked a certain guy in a certain party. I said 'not my type' , to which he said, 'one cannot expect to meet Brad Pitt'. This was a tight slap on my face. My cheeks are actually red. Are my expectations too high. I wonder how long time couples fell in love. What attracted them to each other. Sometimes i see couples, where one of them is more popular and good looking, could have of course had a better selction of guys to choose from. But settled in for this person. What brought them together? Where they making some kind of a compromise or was it a conscious choice? Should i just get into a relationship just because it is getting to late for me or should i wait? I don't know. In this world love is easy to look at from a distance, but difficult to experiance. Love is free, is it?

Lows of life!!!!

There are some moments in life when you feel like you have reached a desert with no Oasis. Yes. Desert. Dry, Hot, Seamless and massive as though beckoning towards its boundless extremes. But the truth is that one cannot see the hidden mysteries. All one sees is the stark reality of the desert. Hot and dry. I have reached the edges of a massive desert, I think, or is it an illusion? May be a reverse mirage. Probably just a 'mis' perception. I have to get across this screen. Unravel the mysteries that lay beyond. All sounds like the syereotypical explorer of the colonialist era fascinated by the orient.

In the 'now' world, this is just one of the lows!!!!!

Its tiring to climb down hill. Wheres the next hill? I want to climb!!!

Pride

Pride, Money, Arrogance, Rich, Attitude, Respect, Gratitude, PRIDE......

Gratitude

I was just wondering in this world of fast track success and high speed achievements, what role does gratitude play. Life in the previous generation revolved around gratitude. Everyone was thankful to everyone else for the situation they were in. Where is the line between giving yourself credit for ur success and giving others the credit for ur success. How much should one be thankful, until When? Is it a matter of chance that we are in the situation that we now are? Or probably there are some others who are responsible for our position. Does that make us forever indebted to them?

Ultimately it is the question of bonding!!!!!
Do you feel a part of them or do you feel you are an independent entity, a miracle, not subject to any circumstances, destined to be in this current positio,no matter what the circumstances!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right here right now.

I saw this movie Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Honestly speaking i cried at some points in the movie. But those tears were of a lonely gay man wanting to experiance the same passion. But as a movie i thought it was over the top. Though the message was slightly different from the other movies. It was still conservative in more ways than one. The protagonists were still made to look like they did a big mistake. That i realised majorly in one scene when rishi goes to meet maaya after 3 years to invite her for his wedding. And she cries on hearing it. It is so obvious that she wanted him to say he wants her back. Also the messages one gets are totally mixed up. One doesnot know exactly what he is trying to say. The usual little takes on homosexuality in KJ's movies are so passe. Like when Dev stops a guy on the street and asks if he was married. The guy says why should he? He's Gay!!!!!!! Now what was that? Aren't gays married? What is he trying to say? Also the colors are so on the face. I accept Manish malhotra loves embellishment. That does not mean oody dr

timepass

I just finished reading the collection of memoirs of Protima Bedi. So many times while reading the book i have felt just like she felt in her life. Her feeling miserable after being a victim of child abuse. Her unrequitted love for Kabir inspite of her and his flings. Her dying need to be on her own and not to be tied down, yet at the same time looking for the security of a caring indvidual who would give anything to care for her.
Somtimes i have said the same things that she has said in the course of her early life.
Where is my calling? What will bring me happiness? Where will i eventually be? Where is this life going to take me? Should i fight to achieve or follow the path unfolding in front of me?
Show me the light oh Lord!!!!
I don't want thislife tobe just a Timepass!!!

here we are

Here we are,
after a night of dreams and desires,
memories of the night so few,
after the semillons and sirloins,
not knowing the first from the second,
Strings of endless conversations foreby,

Now,
endless rows of date palms on Al Wasl road,
crushed dates and riped dates crying,
longing to be plucked,
on the morning of a hot summer day,
in the month of june,
under the sun now shining,
mighty, conquering, burning,
the beholder of the skies,

Could i be the date?
seem like a date on the date, the night before,
ripe, crushed, longing to be plucked.

Oh! how I miss the moon serene,
of the night gone by,
of the dreams and desires,

here we are.....

the best coming out experiance ever

i had a treasure in my own house but i never knew it existed. We took her for granted all our lives but she has given me back my life . I live again. This is a new birth for me. I came out to my mother and she has accpeted and reacted in the most beautiful way that i ever could have imagined.
Though i had half expected that she would not eact violently, i wasn't sure. But now i am truely shocked that she set me free.
Everyone who came to know said wow!!!!!!!!!
you have a very understanding and mature and intelligent mother.
Wow ma am proud of you. If only you could hear all the things that they say.

I feel elevated. free and light ready to fly.

I am out finally!!!!!!!!!!!

holding up

Ask in faith the email said. But faith in what. I have never been brought up with strict religious beliefs, which gives me freedom to choose and believe in what i want. i can analyse. But sometimes when i see people who have been conditioned into one particular religious faith, i feel jealous. Jealous because it isn't so easy for me. They seem to know exactly what they should do. Even if they were doing it blindly. They have something to believe in. but me , i am like a vagabond. not knowing where i belong. i want to be involved in some faith. want to ask in faith!!!!

yet another pothole

This pothole in my life was really bad. Have felt this bad after a long long time. Not a really good feeling. Its really awkward to get physically involved with someone whom you have worked with for sometime and know quite a bit, and have never imagined in your wildest dreams to be physically involved with. He says it happened... just happened... Not deep feelings or any of that. But then why all those mushy words and those conversations? Well.. to be honest i knew from day 1 that it wasn't true. But after holding your guard for 25 yrs and something like this happens, u feel and long and yearn to let your guard loose. And tas what i did.
I knew i wouldn't find the boat to jump on to. I would have to keep afloat hoping uselessly.
And today was judgment day.
Had to arrive.
Spoke... bared my soul... few tears of course... bad feeling
But i know have to move on. Life's thorns!!!!

Now i rather bother about my career......

light at the end of the tunnel

what when you don't want to see the light,
what when you don't know when you see the light,
what when theres no light, may be its the wrng tunnel,
why a tunnel at all? Why not ALL light?
Why do we go through bad patches?
what when you don't know where to turn,which direction to take?
is there light at the end of the tunnel?
why a tunnel at all? Why not ALL light

changing lives.

Scorpio: (24 October-22 November)Welcome to your new Home! Whether youre moving physically or not, this week marks the nesting, rooting, repotting and replanting of your good Scorpio selves into a life that suits you more. I don't care how you do, did or are doing it ?just make sure this week marks a new beginning of inner comfort. If you don't have solid foundations now, you're going to have to go back and repeat it all later, which only further delays the professional peaks you're looking to scale up ahead. A new feeling of family develops, and you'll see this week how much you're being nurtured. The more you believe and care for your own sweet ass, the more others will kiss it and otherwise carry it. Don't cry over spilt milk ?it's half and half their fault and yours. To feel whole, skim away guilt and negativity ?this week is your new green light to be out-and-out proud to be your own person, going your own sweet way.
New Moon Ideas: Paint, stock your cupboards, eat in, cook for someone, buy a new bed, move out / in, redefine your rules and toast the past then don't turn back.
I feel an urge to do something new. I wanna go and explore. I want new experiances. He said " You are still young, you have a lot of time" Suddenly that makes me feel that i could do so many things. Am still looking to anchor somewhere!!!!

wisdom tooth, illicit relationships, tips at work.

my wisdom tooth is growing perpendicular to the rest of my teeth, starting from behind my mouth and growing right through my upper jaw and coming out in front. Bizarre!!!Have to get it extracted. What a way to loose my wisdom. I hope something else would show me the light and wisdom. May be my receding hairline.

How does it feel to be a mistress? Physically satisfyng someone who cares for you not beyond the edges of your bed. Even not after reaching an orgasm. Some people thrive in such situations. They love the physical attention, almost like thats the only they know. While others are too proud to play second fiddle. How is it to be a mistress?

relationships

I have met many girls and guys who change boy friends like clothes so often. But have often wonderd what are the emotions they are going through. What is it that drives them through relatonships. What do they feel.... The yseem to be so dedicated to every relationship they are in, yet the transition form one to another when the former doesnt for some reason work out is remarkably smooth. Do you get into another relationship, to fill the void from the former , by doing the same things you did before or you start completly afresh? I don't think i will ever understand it, cause i have never been in a relationship, Maybe i should fall in love. The problem is the one i fall in love with always hapens to be straight!!!! well...well...