Sunday, November 18, 2007


The sun shines through , moisture not withstanding,
rises to leave, urged to look for better bearings,
The sun sets,
we light candles,
Open to serve,
dance to every fancy,
powered by every whim,
a calm and peace, painfully delivered,
so easy it seems, yet so hard we feel,
from greeting to seating, paying and leaving,
circles within circles, bound by the rhythm,
the magnet that sucks the energy,
from deep inside them, they can't still fathom
is the life we chose to live.....

of the dreams and desires...
of passion and dedication, ...........

Sunday, September 23, 2007


When I look around me, I see that lot of our lives revolve around gaining acceptance for the things we do. I often wonder, why do we have this craving for acknowledgement and accpetance? Where does this kind of an urge surface from?

There are some people I know who live their lives the way they think is the widely accepted way. In the process loose their entire identity. Why would you want to wear certain clothes, only because one thinks they would be looked up with high regard, and therefore will enhance your personality, or speak a certain way cause that will raise your status.

Don't you think in such a gamble, the person will forget, what he /she really wants. What were his/her true ambitions and true personality. There are some who forget completely who they really are cause they are so busy being somebody they perceive to be cool.

There is, I believe, a thin line between, such a perception and widely accepted social norms. People who have been famous are the ones who have complied to norms yet have been themselves.

Imagine a society where nobody is pressurised to prove anything to anybody. There would be numerous personalities that would make plain living itself such an enriching experiance.

Instead we are like puppets, trying to be a certain way without realising for whom we do it. So much that some even start denying their nationality and roots, not realising that no matter how much one denies their roots, we still are what we are only because of our roots.

Be what you are. You are unique in every sense of the word. All you need to do is follw your heart and be yourself, instead of pretending to be somebody else!!!!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Two juicy oranges after tiring, hot summer's day......

There isn't anything more pleasurable than having to peel and savour the juiciness of two lovely cold oranges after the end of a particularly hot summer's day. Toiling in the heat sweating it out for the pleasure of a few. This is my latest discovery.

I relish every drop of the orange juice as i reminisce the lunch i had with V, the afternoon of yet another hot summer day. Inside the womb of a massive shopping mall terrace, one doesn't feel the heat. As though one is wrapped in fiction. Forced to believe what is not. Like a baby is sheltered in the safety of its mother's womb, we (V and I) experiance the feeling of a pre monsoon drizzle while we sit in this contraption in the middle of the desert.

A meeting thus progressing, naturally 'auto saves' itself in the memories deepest chests. How often can one open up to a total stranger. Sharing your every emotion. Laying your trust in someone, u never knew until few days ago. Just our sexuality bringing us together. Believing his every word about himself to be true.

It is not quite often that we meet lovely individuals in our lives, that when we meet it is hard to believe that the joys of that meetimg remains nowhere but in one corner of our brain, where all sweet memories are destined to be locked in for the pleasure of just one person. ME....

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Falling in love!!!

After spending numerous, well quite a few years trying to understand the whole concept of falling in love and after stumbling on it a couple of times and after counselling!!!! a few wannabe couples and a few 'already couples had a fight' and few 'cheating on each other couples' and few 'broken up couples', i should be christened 'relationships counsellor', or 'love sticher' or something.

Anyways, i have come up with these 2 theories , that are conflicting and am trying to figure out which is right.

One is that if you like somebody and decide to fall in love, then go out of your way to make your feelings known and then try your best to woe him. But in this scenario, there is a possibility that the other guy does not like you. In which case your effort goes in the dump.

On the other hand, you could wait until somebody falls in love with you and then evaluate him to decide if you like her. In such a case, you might have somebody you don't like fall in love with you, or there might be someone who likes you but thinks that you don't like him, so is waiting for you to make the first move.

I guess both of them oil down to one point.

Just Keep trying!!!!

Still doesn't answer my question!!!! Should i fall in love or wait for my prince charming?????

Answer!Answer! where art thou?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Table for 2? right away...

Having chosen the hospitality, restaurant business in particular by my own choice, i wonder sometimes, what made me take this decision. I have always answered the same whenever i have been asked this, that it is people and food that have dragged me into this profession.

Working in the same restaurant for the last 3 years, I have seen many join this place with me, have left and new ones joined and left too. Being quite positive, i don't look at my staying here for so long as a negative, nevertheless I am trying my best to move out.

However, the reason I am writing today is because of something that has bothering me for quite sometime.

People who dine in the restaurants dine there for various reasons. Entertainment, Status, business, to show off or just plain hunger.

People who work in restaurants also work there for many reasons. Passion, Career, no choice or simply to make money.

Now in between these two comes this whole experience of the meal. The waiter provides, while the guest enjoys.

We have all this unwritten notions about various professions, that i don't know comes from where. Whatever it is. The bottom line for every restaurateur is to achieve guest satisfaction. For us it is a major part of our job and many of us got at great lengths to get the approval of guests.

Sounds simple. No. The problem arises with the expectations that guests come with. Nothing worng with that. Every human is not the same. Well, i don't expect them to be, the fun in this job is because of the variety we see everyday.

The problem also lies in the fact that we don't realise that every guest is different. In our pursuit to offer consistency and high quality standard, we fail to realise that each one has different expectations.
It is obvious that it is very difficult to figure out what exactly is every individual's route to happiness or satisfaction is.
There are some who are so easy to please, yet others will complain no matter what u do, some want you next to them all evening, for some u have to behave like a servant, while others treat u like any other person. The restaurant profession is a very grey area. No obvious rules. So people are so unsure as to how they should deal with a restaurant staff.

After thinking about all this, one thing i am sure about, is that the weakest point every human has is the ego.
It is the ego that is appeased of every satisfied guest. Every guest nees to made to feel important. It is the restaurant they know, even if you are nothing outside, u are still royalty. Whether a millionaire or a carpenter they are all treated like royalty.

But every restaurateur has to have the skill to be at all the levels to recognise the ego levels they need to boost, which few possess. Many have their own ego to deal with before they deal with guest's.

Guess what i am trying to figure out is, What makes people happy? Why are we taught what should make us happy? Why should we not figure out ourselves? Why do we need our egos to be boosted? Why are we taught to have set notions about people, professions and expectations?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Love making.... !! or ??

That's what it says,
on the entrance of Cafe Ritazza.
Waiting for a toasted sandwich,
I ponder,
is there any other emotion,
as driving as love making?
That which elates, heightens,
brings such a sudden surge.
The thoughts of which lingers on,
as the days pass by.
What makes love making,
so overpowering, all encompassing?
Some lives are so driven by him.
Yet others long to be with him.

You tell me S.
Is it the love making,
that brings us
together again and again,
or is it him,
that will break us apart?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

In pursuit!!!

I have always tried my best to keep away from beliefs about the occult and the mystic for reasons of them being so anonymous and uncertain and i hate uncertainty. Its like a lioness hunting from a huge herd of deers, never know which ones going to be killed. But on the contrary i am the one who always propagates the idea of exploring the unseen territory. Someone once told me, look out for signs in your daily life, you will find the answers. All you need to do is just see those signs.

In the midst of all the things that are going on in my life, I had to meet S at this time. I really don't know why. There is enough going on but still this had to happen. He is a guy I would love to grow old with, but does he feel the same way. He has his life that he was living before he met me. How much of it am i going to like and not? I have a phobia to put the first foot forward, lest i be dejected or disappointed.

The real question now is should i wait for circumstances to lead my way or should i fight it to go the way i want. I don't know if i have the energy to.

I am trying my best to keep afloat at work.All the work i do, never seems to be enough. Trying my best to complete my studies. Trying my best to deal with my hearing loss. Trying my best to be there with friends. Trying my best to find an alternate career. Trying my best to get out of this place. Trying my best to find a life partner. Trying my best to now to understand S and give him a good impression.

As the warm days roll by, I wonder to myself, what is it that would truly inspire me. What will wake me up and make me do all that i have always dreamt of doing.

Spark! that's what is missing. I guess its just me!!!!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

shaadi karo paise kamao!!!

Mockery.... yes that's what it is.

This is the first wedding i have experienced so up close and personal and it has been a one of its kind experience.
How we reduce an honest religious/social requirement into a completely blatant excuse to mock a thing like marriage.
I always believed marriage was about relationships, promises, party, fun but this experience has got me thinking in many ways, i never wanted to think.

How we have to deal with clashes in our value system especially in the Indian community. I enjoy the whole idea of an Indian wedding, the dressing up, the customs, the reunions, the organising and many other things, but at the same time I am gay and will NEVER be able to experience all this myself. How money starts to rule every action and becomes the criteria to judge an entire family. How people within the family can ruin an entire wedding just because he wants more attention. How we are slaves to this culture.

We always talk of improvement, growing up and changing for the better. But the things that i have seen and heard i the last 1 week only makes me feel we are walking backwards. On one side is this whole thing about upholding culture and sanding by centuries old tradition, which we so proudly and expertly have guarded for centuries affected by change only at a mega micro level, and on the other hand we are trying our best to to bring about change in ideology, in thinking and society
But where do we find the balance between these too. To change we have to break away. But to proudly guard we can't perhaps embrace change so easily.

In Tirupati, where millions of Pilgrims and the most orthodox of people visit mesmerised by the divine power, the lord is worshipped besides his two wives, yet another goddess who supposedly angered by the lords previous bigamous marital status has another temple away for herself out of vengeance is also worshipped. And yet we are so sceptical about bigamy and extramarital affairs. The Gods are at it dammit!!!
Isn't this proof enough of how we are struggling with our belief systems. Will we be able to embrace change so easily?
I am a trained amateur Indian classical dancer. I am taught to portray celestial and mythical love stories among gods and goddesses, but I am gay. Will i be able to portray gay references from the holy books? Will the audience accept it as ye another dance performance? Will the same old Mamis and mamas witness this performance?

We spend our lives trying to deal with things that are not going to benefit, improve and help us in any way, just because of the SOCIETY we live in. Won't this world be a much better place if we spent that energy in something more constructive, Personal development and the like?

Like I told A, one of the main reasons i left this place is to get away from all of this and just concentrate on ME and just be ME.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

V day Vignettes

Red roses everywhere,

Gaudy flowers in a shape of a huge heart in our hotel lobby,

Love struck teenage school children hiding fron their parents meeting their crushes to exchange gifts,

Long queues at the florists,

Young couple (all dressed up) talking to another couple asking them to take the best taable at a restaurant,

Man in red shirt with red roses at the red traffic signal waiting for his lady love,

Young Indian couple, she probably wearing hih heels after a long time or for the first time, hair loose, Garden vareli saree, He just back from officem picked her up on his way, She clinging onto him, limping in her heels, He just happy,

Old Mallu couple, Nice starched off white saree, on their way, Romantic dinner?

Traffic jam apparently caused by valentines day,

A german farmer family in a Dubai bus in blazers and ties just out of the fancy Cruise at the port, bus full of labourers staring,

Valentines day cake at Cafe Qasr. Was finished when we reached.

Two well dressed young men, waiting for their dates ? or were each other's dates?

Lonely white man frissing on a lonely pizza.

'A' still confused. Doesn't know if he wants me or doesn't want me!!!!

B & S my sweetheart buddys.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Strange World

The last few weeks have been a strange experience.

After having me for 3 years suddenly my bosses realised i could not hear too well, which in fact is true, but i have always tried not to let it affect the quality of my work. Guess it was still not good enough. NowI am indirectly being asked to pack my bags and leave. What happened to those countless extra hours i worked without asking for compensation. What happened to all the projects i have done for the restaurant. what happened to every aspect of the restaurant i have so truly bothered about. What happened to the training i had to do for my assistant managers and supervisors who did not know their job too well. Wonder what really matters to stay popular in a profession. Is sweet talking the only way up?

In the middle of all this my staff tells me that our new south african assisstant manager who has been double promoted for her blond looks, tweety voice and i don't know what else, is actually pocketing a fair amount of cash meant to be shared by the staff at the end of the month!!!! Beat that. A blond south african lady thief.
Strange world is an understatement!!!!!!

My long long last friend from pre-school days. sent me her wedding pics. I was shocked to see how much she has grown to be this lovely adorable woman. We used to play games after school in the colony. Climb trees together. Jump over other people's compounds. Well. Well.

My Brother has finally decided to get married!!! After 4 yrs of courtship. I strange couple they make. Full of fancy, fanatical and flungigulous ideas like worms in their heads. He is making a docu for a Japanese television company. Wonder where their lives are taking them. Hope i can make it to the wedding. Will be the only wedding in our family. Unless i find a enterprising soul mate willing radically stun(Shock) the great Indian middle class brahminical society by staging a wedding between 2 men!!!!!

I was offered a job offer at my first ever interview. Crap offer though. Was completely shocked. It seemed so easy.

S came up with this brilliant idea to market handicrafts from around the world in a shop that we can set up. Not a bad idea. I came up with the idea to market paper bags in polythene infested Dubai.

This and much more.

My head is circling. Thanks to B & S i am still sane.

But i am positive.
Positive for a bright new change.
Positive that the corner i need to go round is very close.